Wanting You
by justwakeup
Summary: Koenma observes Yuusuke and Kurama's relationship, realizing feelings of his own.


You know when you really start noticing things? Like noticing things you would normally overlook? Its like when you...well...like when you buy something, and you see something even better. You have regrets about not searching some more, and coming across the item you now want. Or like, when you give something away, and you realize to late that what you gave away was precious to you. It was weird, I remember when I first started feeling like this. It was when he first fell in love. I should've realized it then. Then maybe he'd of been mine. But he isn't. And its purely my fault. He belongs to someone else, and I can't argue with that, especially since the person he loves is also my friend. Botan is noticing my mood more and more, and suggested maybe I try and go somewhere with Ayame, but I don't want to. Besides, I can't get away from all the stuff I have to do. I guess that was another mistake...I always cared to much about getting everything done in time, and I pushed him more then I should've. He probably hates me for it, but I can't help but love him anyway. When I first hired him, I only hired him because he had potential spirit energy, and he really use to annoy the hell out of me. I hated the way he laughed, I hated the way he disrespected me. But now, I really miss it. Its silent now, and about the only thing I hear occasionally is Saotome's annoying voice, urging me to hurry. When Genkai died, he'd tried to hit me, but I knew he wouldn't. And even if he did, I really didn't care, it was obvious he was in so much pain. And when Shinobu Sensui, or Kazuya, held that gun to his head...I knew if he died, it would be 100% my fault. My fault for letting everything get carried away. I always wanted to tell him, but I didn't even know myself what I was feeling...I'd never really felt it before. My father was never home...or he was busy. And everyone else was strictly bussiness. Then I started noticing their interaction. The way Yuusuke would sometimes glance at Kurama out of the cornor of his eyes, and sometimes, when they thought no one was looking, their fingertips would touch. It made me so...mad, really. Mad because they were discovering something I could never have. I hated Kurama too, for a while. I envied the way he could so freely hug Yuusuke, or kiss him, or hold his hand. I think Kurama felt my anger too, but he never said anything about it. Thats another reason I hated him. He knew what I wanted, and he knew he had it, but he could never bring himself to say anything infrount of me. I wonder how many other people knew? Hiei probably did, but he never spoke sharply about it to me, I think he was probably worried I'd put him back on probation to Yuusuke's town again. Back then, I probably would've. When I got time, I would go to see them, all of them. When I first found out about Yuusuke and Kurama, I was shocked.  
  
"What about Keiko?" I had asked surprised.  
  
"I feel really bad about that," Kurama said, "Because of us, she went to an all-girls boarding school, so she wouldn't have to think of Yuusuke. I apologized to her so much, but she said she was glad it was me and not someone like Kuwabara, and she said she just wanted Yuusuke to be happy." He'd explained, nuzzling Yuusuke's neck. I remember how Yuusuke had leaned his head on Kurama's shoulder, and how strange I felt. I didn't realize then, but I was jealous out of my mind. Looking back, I should've known it was coming, there were so many hints. Everyone saw the battle with Kurama and Touya. Yuusuke was so worried, you could see it etched in his face...I really deserved to be laughed at. I'm obsessing over something that will never be mine to hold, to touch. The day Kurama approched me was like hell and heaven at the same time. I knew what it was about since he'd obviously chosen a time when I was alone.  
  
"Koenma-san," He'd said, "I know you hate me. I know that I make you mad." That was the first thing he'd said, and I was sort of shocked. I mean I wasn't exactly expecting him to offer me tea or anything, but I wasn't exactly expecting him to be so blunt. Being me, I played stupid.  
  
"I don't hate you, Akai-kun." I had said. Everyone had given him the nickname Akai because of his red hair, and I picked it up along the way.  
"Koenma-san. I see you glare at me whenever I hug Yuusuke. I see you stare at him. I knew you love him." Caught in the act. I hoped he hadn't seen me shrink down a bit in my seat. Was I that obvious? I had thought.  
  
"I..." I tried to defend myself, but I didn't see the point. Kurama was one of those people who could see into your eyes and seek the truth. He'd know anything I tried to say in defense. I had hated him for being able to do that too. "Akai-kun..."  
  
"I want to apologize. I knew for a while you loved him, but I never knew how to approach you about it. I just wanted to tell you that I know you may hate me, and you may never want me to help with rekai tantei again. I just want you to know that I love Yuusuke too. And I just want him to be happy." I really couldn't say anything at first, and then tears began falling down my face. It was strange; this feeling of longing, empty hope, and dispare all at once. I didn't want to cry infront of Kurama, it was really humiliating.  
  
"Was I really that pathetic?" I asked him, "I just never realized...and by the time I did, it wasl already to late..." I had expected Kurama to leave, but he didn't. he hugged me, and I was really shocked by then.  
  
"Koenma-sama, you are my friend. I realize how much I have hurt you by taking Yuusuke, but you aren't pathetic. You just fell in love." He said. Right then and there I could see why Yuusuke fell in love with Kurama. He needed Kurama security, his logic, and his love. He waited until I stopped crying before releasing me. "Akai-kun, I don't hate you," I said, "I was just jealous. I see now that Yuusuke would be better off with you anyway." I gained so much more respect for Kurama then in all the days I knew him. He really was wise beyond years.  
  
"I'm glad to hear it, Koenma-sama," He said, smiling, "Will you be okay?" I nodded, wiping my eyes. All the hate, anger, and jealousy left me. Well, almost all of it. I can't honestly say I don't look at them and wish it was me. Sometimes, Hiei catches me stairing, and opens his mouth to say something, but I think better judgement gets a hold of him, and he quickly closes it. For now, I guess, I'm happy seeing Yuusuke happy. When Kurama holds his hand, you know how they say someones eyes light up? Well, its more then that. Everyone's eyes light up, but Yuusuke's are diffrent. They get a spark, and they seem to smile all on their own. Even when he is trying to be serious, he never quite can be. His eyes give him away. I know Kurama sees it, because his eyes do the exact same thing. Its really comforting, now. I can always love Yuusuke, and I always will. The only part I hate dealing with is he'll never be mine. 


End file.
